The Slip and Slide of Moral Decay

* I’m gonna be away from our little group of friends pretty much from today until next Monday. Got a TON of work to do, then off to a client meeting, then I’M MOVING!!!!! In the meantime, though…Y’all are awesome, please keep up the great, sick, sweet, funny, weird, and scary suggestions!

Ok, now back to the original post for you first time viewers (I think you’re smart and pretty, by the way…)…

I was over at Bathroom Reading’s site and saw that he linked to a great post from Last Girl on Earth (a new regular read of mine)…Check it out when the boss ain’t looking…

The gist of the post is this: She challenged her readers to send in things they’d like to see someone say on camera. She then went out into the city and, sho nuff, got folks to do just that!

And being the barely motivated, yet mildly charming and amusing guy that I am, I figured that I’d do a spin-off of this contest. Big ups to you, Last Girl On Earth – you clearly were the trailblazer here…

So here goes:

I will take a camera out with me on the weekend of May 6th – May 8th (my b-day weekend, coincidentally…no presents, please – just your loving adoration and happy birthday wishes are all I need. YOU tell ME what you want to see a picture of, and/or who you want me to get a picture with, and I’ll do my absolute best to take the shot. Keep things PG-13, though, y’all. After all, my mother reads this site (And she’ll be with me for a good portion of that weekend too!), and I have a girlfriend that I really want to keep.

So, to recap:

1) You call the shot (who, what, where, when). Keep things PG-13. That oughtta make you have to be really creative! I mean, it’s just too easy to say, “Get a picture of you injecting black tar heroin into a midget’s naked ass while burning the flag and crapping on a cop car.” Just leave a comment on this post.
2) I’ll take the shot
3) I’ll post ‘em back up here on Monday May 9th.

Put your thinking caps on and let ‘er rip!

I’m sure most of you have seen this, but this is one of the funniest things I’ve seen all year…

I never ate this stuff as a kid in the 70’s (That’s right people, I’m three weeks from turning 32…), but damn if I don’t remember the way things looked back then - and these cards are straight up old school…

For those of you in my peer group, remember the avocado refrigerators, the garanimals, and waiting for cable to come to your town?…wow.

’scuse me while I call my nephews and tell ‘em how much milk cost, and how “kids just don’t know how good they got it right now”…

Oh. My. God.

Saw the Amityville Horror last night. Lots of good scary jump and grab your date’s hand/leg/knee/arm moments!

and this guy’s in it…

That’s right. Van Wilder’s in it. And for the first 15 minutes of the movie, that’s all I could think about. “What the hell is Van Wilder - star of Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place - doing in this flick??!?”

I mean, how can THIS guy be scary?!?

I’ll give him his propers, though. He did alright…

got $7 burning a hole in your pocket, and Ice Princess is sold out? Give Amityville Horror a shot.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hack my roommates into pieces with an axe…

I felt sad at first, of course, but I really think it was for the best. For him, and for evolution in general.

On the way home from work, I stopped at the gas station to put some air in my tires. I took the caps off all the tires, and dropped my quarter in. After racing around the car like a pit crewmember, trying to hit all four tires with their share of air before the timer ran out, I was off - a quarter inch higher, and revelling in the revived ability of my sweet seven-year old Honda Civic to once again be able turn on a dime.

I was at a red light about 1/2 mile from the gas station, and noticed a seagull just sitting in the middle of the road. I was in the right lane, and there was a car next to me in the left lane. The entire time we were waiting for the light to change, he never moved from his spot on the street. He looked around from time to time, but never moved. I wondered if his legs even worked. Or if he had legs at all…

The light turned green, and I slowly pulled away from the intersection. As I passed the poor soul just sitting in the road, he flapped his wings and made a beeline right for my car! I was like, “WTF?!” and then I heard and felt it. That sickening “thundk” that you sort of feel more than you hear. I looked back, saw him flap one wing, and then then the guy two cars behind me finished off what I had started.

What if I hadn’t stopped for air? Would I still have hit that bird? It made me think about life, death, fate, and stuff for all of about two minutes, and then I thought:

“That friggin bird was STUPID! A) it was sitting in the middle of the road. It’s brothers and sisters were smart enough to fly out of the way when cars approached. B) Why the HELL did it decide to fly INTO my car as I was leaving?! C) I just improved the genetic makeup of seagulls in general by removing that dumbass bird from the gene pool!”

Now DON’T getting all crazy analytical about that last statement, and think I’m Hitler, Jr. or something. I’m just saying that I’ve decreased the chances of stupid seagulls in Charleston, SC. That’s all.

Godspeed, little seagull. I hope the cars all have marshmallow tires wherever you are…

Thanks to Melina for this one.

Your Inner European is Spanish!

Energetic and lively. You bring the party with you!

Oh, and over the past 18 hours:
1) i attended an open mic comedy night
2) went to a press conference that I shouldn’t have had to go to
3) watched a house burn to the ground

The open mic night was interesting…i feel a post comin’ on…
but must sleep first.

g’night, my babies.
-KS

in the meantime, here’s a great flick that I NEVER get tired of…

You should always support your local music - but sometimes it’s just so damn hard.

My friend picked me up from my house a couple hours after S.W.A.T. descended on my neighbors (see the post below), and off we went to the Village Tavern to catch the MC Chris show. Slated to take the stage around 8, MC Chris had local Charleston band White Boy Crazy open up for him. My Night to Remember Trilogy ends with a music review. Or, at least, what my version of a music review is…

White Boy Crazy is a conglomeration of dudes from other local Charleston bands (the names of which escape me right now), who, when together, are a hip hop/trip hop band (think Beastie Boys Ill Communication’s stranger instrumental cuts).

Now, I have to admit up front that kind of music isn’t my bailiwick. However, I’m a fan enough of music to know when someone’s wrapping their hands around the throat of a song and assaulting it. The first two songs they played were so chock full of electronic doo dads, mic effects, and assorted hoots and hollers that it sounded like someone plugged a Speak and Spell into the mic, and spent the next 15 minutes sodomizing it repeatedly.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you what they were wearing. One guy had on a Bozo the Clown full on head mask (see pic in post below). Another had a gorilla mask on, similar to what you’d find in any store around Halloween. The guitar player was wearing a Mask. I think the drummer just had on shades ( I couldn’t really see him). And the last guy looked competely normal - save the pineapple hanging around his neck like a necklace. Gimmicks, fellas. They tell me you need to practice more, and play dress up less.

The two songs that followed held some promise, however. White Boy Crazy dropped much of the crazy, and a lot of the white boy, because these songs held down a groove, and by the middle of their third tune, they had some of the crowd moving.

These guys could perform, though. Even though their tunes were hit and miss, they worked their asses off onstage, y’all. They were fun to watch. At one point between songs, some dude in the audience busted out his cell phone to make a call, and Mask came down off the stage, took the guy’s phone out of his hand and, during what was actually a pretty good song, rapped, sang, and talked to the person on the other end of the line. That was good stuff!

They should’ve closed on that one. They had everyone amped and wanting more. But, they did one more song, which sounded like Otis singing bad karaoke to a slow song while Ms. Pac Man died, writhing in agony, in the background. Shoulda closed with the previous song fellas…

But after they were done, MC Chris took the stage, and y’all know what happened next! Me, my friend, and a three-inch Wookie took the city by storm…

I think you’re smart and very pretty.
-KS

PS - I just realized that if that band Google’s themselves, they’s in for a surprise. But, I’d love to hear their thoughts on the show. I think I was pretty honest.

Glad y’all had as much fun with me and the Wookie as my buddy and I did! But it wasn’t all peaches and gravy, folks…oh no.

The night actually started out with an evening, and before that, an afternoon - as is the natural progression of things. Well, I was just sitting around the house around 3:30PM downloading porn at 14.4 kbs/sec - I’m just kidding. I’ve totally got a cable modem - when I heard a car flying past my house, followed by a ton of sirens and the unmistakeable sound of cop car engines.

I looked out the window, and MY NEIGHBOR was flying into his driveway at about 30 mph - followed by 13 police cars. You know how I know there were 13 cars? Cuz I COUNTED ‘em! So, my neighbor (I live in the ‘hood, y’all) pulls into his driveway - you know, like his driveway’s “base” or something?! “Hey! Screw you, pigs! I’m in my driveway! I FART in your general directions, and such and such…”

The cops weren’t playing the same game, cuz they rolled right on up, jumped out of there cars, guns drawn, “get the F*&K outta the car! NOW!” Game over.

So, dude gets out of the car, and the po-po approach him, and his shotgun-sitting buddy. Slowly approaching, guns up, and when they get to him, they do the ninja-quick body-slam-to-the-ground-and-cuff-your-ass move to him and his pal.

Now while this is going on, neighbor’s grandma and grandpa (who he lives with) come out of the house. Grandma’s wailing, “My baby! My baby! Don’t hurt my baby!” Grandpa’s just like, “yup. got yo ass busted, din’t ya?”

And just like in the African plains, after the pride makes their kill, the prey go back to their business, with their dead brethren lying feet from them. Neighbors were coming out of the woodwork to watch the scene. I, on the other hand, hadn’t left my perch from my bedroom window - peering through the blinds.

While some of the 15+ cops that were there were talking to the recently busted, others were scouring yards in the ‘hood - mine included - for I guess drugs or whatever that the guy might’ve thrown out. If they found anything, I didn’t see it.

And that was that with that.

A couple hours later, my friend picked me up and we were off the the MC Chris show - where Chewie and I were introduced to one another.

But before that, there was another band called White Boy Crazy that took the stage. Here’s a pic:

That’s a bad pic, but what you see there is a guy with a clown head on and dude with a gorilla mask on working some turntables.

More on them in: A Night to Remember: The Prequel - Part II

Your hair looks pretty today.
-KS

We all know at least one celebrity. Some of you may know A-List like Tom Cruise or Meryl Streep. Others of you may know B-Listers like Flava Flav or Fez from That 70’s Show. Well, until recently I didn’t really know anyone that one would consider a celebrity. Sure, I’ve met minor league baseball players, and I’m pretty sure that our Mayor knows that I work with one of his friends, but, other than that, I haven’t had any nights that Us Weekly or People Magazine would care to know about.

Until Saturday night, that is…

You may know him from the blockbuster “Star Wars” movie series.

But I simply know him as “Chewie.”

We met at a MC Chris show (more on that, and a review of a local band in the next post). MC Chris brought us together, and we wound up hanging out the entire night. After the show, we went to Big John’s Tavern - Charleston’s Best Dive since 1955 - and Chewie was roaring…i mean, raring to go! We bellied up to the bar and ordered two PBRs.

Next thing you know, the guy’s ordering another and bums one of my smokes!

After pounding down a smoke and a beer, Chewie decides he’s gonna do a “Power Lift Can Stand.” I’m all like, “What the hell is that about, Chewie (at this point, he’d dropped the formalities and was going by Chewie)?” He’s like, “Dude, just watch…”

So, he orders the beer, gets a good grip, and…

Then drops the can back on the bar, shimmys up and…

“Holy crap, dude. That was AWESOME!” I had to give him his props for that.

At this point, we start attracting some attention. And being the world-famous star that he is, it’s something that he’s accustomed to, and craves. So shots are in order, and are ordered. We didn’t know it until then, but we’re both big Rumpleminz fans!

And then his wife called. Boy howdy, he wasn’t even TRYIN’ to hear THAT!

He just walked away from the phone, and started chatting it up with a lovely lady at the bar. Next thing you know know…

I quickly pulled him away from the beautiful baby, and reminded him that he did get married in California, and a divorce could cost him some serious dough if his wife found out about his trysts.

After another beer, I went and shot some pool witha buddy of mine. A few minutes later, I went back to the bar to grab my smokes and check on my new friend and found him making a Booty Call…

I figured , “What the hell?” “He can’t get in trouble for this, and he IS a Wookie after all…so I showed him the way to the bathroom, so he could do his dirty work.

After about 15 seconds, he was back for another PBR and a smoke, but I think the night had finally caught up with him. Poor little guy was just plum tuckered out…

We had a great time that night, and he said we’d hang again, but you know celebrities…

Vivian for “Humiliated, Barbie vowed never to try to impress any future dates by offering to “play a little game.”

Viv, one WAKA kickball coming up! Start the k-ball insanity in KY… i said k y…

I’ve also got to give out two runner-up prizes for the use of “Natural Snack” in the caption.

ACW for “This prototype of “Filthy, Naked, Dinosaur-headed, pole-dancing, Natural Snack” Barbie was canned because of a marketing problem with Adjective Overload.” and
Bathroom Reading for “Barbie got a little angry when she was traded to the Natural Snack strip club. And they learned an important lesson: don’t get her angry; you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.”

You guys win kickball stickers. feel free to put them anywhere! Your car, your cube, over the mouth of the Philipino boy you abducted, and much, much, more! I won’t have those in hand until Sunday, so they’ll go out in a few. And sometimes, I can be, um…a little tardy with my mailings…sorry BR…

I’ll give y’all the skinny on my Leaving Las Vegas/Jerry Springer/Cops roomates (it is now not uncommon to come home to random people crashed out on the couches, and the smell of Chi Chi’s Strawberry Magaritas permeating everything in the house) next week.

As far as new contests and challenges go, well, K-Lo fancies herself a karaoke singer, and issued a bit of a challenge. Stay tuned for results…

Y’all brought some serious funny this week! Thanks, because It’s been a loooooong week at work, and it was a nice distraction to stop back here every once in awhile to see what was being thrown up on the site.

Thanks for playing, everbody!