The Slip and Slide of Moral Decay

End of the day, end of the week, folks. And I’ve decided to start a new weekly column: “Ask Johnny C.” It’ll appear right here in your favorite Slip and Slide of Moral Decay site each and every Friday.

For those of you out of the loop, John Calhoun is a South Carolinian, and John Quincy Adams’ Vice President.

He’s also a big ol’ statue in Marion Square here in beautiful Charleston, SC.

He doesn’t get as many people seeking his counsel as Honest Abe does up there in D.C., but he’s a solid guy (get it? solid? like a statue? nevermind), and has asked me to ask you to ask him whatever you’d like.

I took a stroll past him last night on the way to improv rehearsal, and let him know that y’all would be firing questions at him soon. But, seeing as this was the first week, and you didn’t know you had a wise old sage from whom you could seek knowledge, I asked him to provide horoscopes for you. He started in on the whole “witchcraft” and “pagan” tirade, but he gave in eventually. I think he just wanted to look tough, but really enjoyed the attention.

So, without further adieu, here’s what my friend and yours had to say:

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Beware of friends bearing Rumpleminz. Or better still, beware of Cheez Whiz. Cheez should NOT be able to be “squeezed” from a nozzle-tipped can!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You’ve just about had it with one particular blue-ribbon boob in your life. Grab a bottle of Rumpleminz and get a dialog going.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): You and your split personality will play against each other in a rousing game of checkers. You will be victorious – yet still very much insane.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): You will get a postcard this week that contains some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand. Send it back to the Gemini that sent it to you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): Fiesty, hard-headed, and with a “Leaving Las Vegas” drinking ability, you will manage to piss no less than three people off this week – and not give one damn about it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): You will listen to William Shatner’s album, “Has Been” while trying to sync it up with movies on Bravo - hoping to find a match. Your mind will be blown when “American Psycho II” - brought to you by Priceline.com fits perfectly together.

Libra (September 22 - October 22): The child inside you will don socks, and slide across the linoleum floor. The adult inside you will complain after you miss the doorway by about an inch, hit the wall, and spill your bowl of cereal all over the floor.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): An old Norwegian saying states, “If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie.” The Pillsbury Dough Boy says, “Eat me when you’re ready.” One of these two sayings will have particular meaning in your life this week.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): A creature named Mktha7, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. He likes raisin cookies.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20): You may decide to take a day trip on the spur of the moment. An exciting new romance could come of it, so go if it tickles your fancy. Remember - tickling your fancy is good. A burning sensation in your fancy means two months of penicillin and removing yourself from the dating pool for a while.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18): You may be presented with an out of the ordinary job or moneymaking opportunity. While you’re probably ready for something new and exciting anyway, avoid any opportunity that includes the words “Amateur Night”, “kilo”, and/or “Spruill Avenue”.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Let’s just hope you can somehow keep it that way!

Thanks John! Remember, folks - send in your queries!
-KS